American Idol: Neil Diamond Week. Why?!?

Ten Neil Diamond songs in one show? America sure is lucky.








David A.:
David decided to go for it, and sing two of the big ones. “Sweet Caroline” sounded very nice. There wasn’t much to it, but it fell very nicely in his voice. “America” sounded very good, and is extra-not going to get voted off this week. America loves songs about America.










Brooke:
“I’m a Believer” was in a really low key for Brooke. I guess they put it there so she could embelish the second chorus a bit. The whole thing was awful. “Palm Trees Grow,” on the other hand was a return to the Brooke that I fell in love with. It was great. With one good performance, and one bad one, Brooke ends up in the middle group though.

Jason:
“Forever in Blue Jeans” sounded very nice, even if “September Morning” sounded a little off. Jason sings in tune, but was so boring, that it’s hard to feel anything about him, one way or another.










David C.:
Both “I’m Alive” and “All I Really Need Is You” were very boring. David has a nice voice, but if I was listening to a David Cook Album, I would skip over both of those tracks.



Syesha:
“Hello Again” was incredibly boring. I hated it. “Thank the Lord for the Night Time” was a little more interesting, but still not very good.





Before we go on, we have to address Paula’s gaffe. Jason only sang one song, but she acted as if he sang two? I’m assuming this confusion came from the fact that Paula had seen the dress rehearsal, but it is fun to imagine that the whole show is scripted, or that Paula’s so drunk/drugged out that she has no idea what’s going on.

Anyway, I bet Syesha will go, even though I really hope it’s Jason.

American Idol: The curtain decends

We all gathered ‘round the piano and sang showtunes. What could be more fun? Unfortunatly, our joyous merrymaking must come to an end. It’s time for an elimination.

The song this week, “All I Ask of You” sounded really bad. There was a lot of the three guys singing together, and then the three girls answering. The remaining contestants don’t really blend that well, which is going to make the group songs problematic for the rest of the show.

There was some time to talk with Andrew Lloyd Weber, so we got some more praise of Brooke, and some more bashing of Jason. I love it!

More filler crap. Ryan-Simon Banter. Idol Gives Back. Guest Performer. Bottom Two.

Syesha and Carly were in the bottom, which was pretty surprising, since Jason and Brooke were clearly the worst. Anyway, Carly was sent home. It was a bit disappointing, since Carly was one of the best singers, even though she was never going to win. I mean, come on! Her husband has tattoos on his face.

Survivor: And the Blindsides Keep Coming

Seriously... How many people have to get blindsided this season before it's impossible to blindside someone because everyone's expecting to get blindsided? A lot, apparently.

It's day something or other on old "Dabu" tribe. It's still killing me, by the way, that they named their tribe after something Eric totally made up. I love it. After Tribal Counsel, Eric condescendingly tells everyone that they did a good (or "dabu", according to him) job. In other news, Amanda's worried that the other women are in an alliance and James has a gross finger injury, which Cirie tells us about while reclining like the queen she is. I love Cirie. Poverty explains in her usual irritatingly overexpressive way that has to do damage control.

Her form of damage control? Having the most awkward faux break-up conversation ever with James when she tells him that the final three will be girls. She doesn't want it to be awkward between them, but James tells her "Oh, it's gonna be awkward." and then he goes back to his old standby eating the apple in Eden metaphor. He even calls Poverty an "apple chewer", which seems gross to me, but maybe that's because my last name is practically "Apple". Oh, and furthermore, the editors are making it seem like Poverty is running the show rather than Cirie, which confuses me.

Then it's reward challenge time. And I see a gavel, which thrills me because it means we're going to see a good old fashioned Survivor auction! Each item is covered, so people are just bidding and hoping they're going to get something good. Here are the highlights:

Cirie wins the first item and discovers (after trying to shortchange Jeff Probst) that it's a hot dog. Eric wins the second item, but trades it for another mystery item, which turns out to be nachos. Americans sure do love gross food. Myself included. Natalie wins bat soup next, which James happily eats. He loves eating bats! Amanda then pays $280 for PB&J. Probst tries to convince us that this means that people are placing a really high price on food, but (as Avi K. pointed out) they gave each contestant $500, so that kind of throws off the scale. If they had given them $5, she would have spent $2.80 on the sandwich. Give us a break, Jeff.

Natalie then wins the right to send someone to exile. She verifies that there is a new hidden immunity idol there now, since Ozzy and his were blindsided last week. After a moment of panick, she decides to send Jason, who is kind of upset. But since there's an immunity idol to be found, Natalie doesn't "know why he's trippin'". Really Natalie? Really?

Oh, Natalie also gets Jason's money which helps her buy a chocolate cake to share with three other people. She tells Poverty, Cirie, and Alexis not to hog the cake since she hasn't had any food and is "a little aggro". I think that means "aggrivated", but I can't be sure because I'm too busy hating Natalie to decide. And the auction ends as Eric pays to lick chocolate off Cirie's hand. Which I think is pretty high on the list of sexiest Survivor moments ever.

Jason feels lucky to be on exile island and decides to convince himself that Natalie sent him to help him. He even says something really sad about how, for once, he's part of a successful alliance. Poor sap. Back at camp, people are mad at Natalie for sending him, who admits to having sent him because she didn't know what to do. They all plot against Jason for a while. Meaning that the women plot. Where the heck are James and Eric? Speaking of Eric, it's his 22nd birthday, so the women decide to throw the most votes to Jason and the second most votes to James who will then go home if Jason finds and plays the idol. If I'm ever on Survivor, every day will be a special day for me so that no one will ever vote me out. It's foolproof!

The immunity challenge is a combination of past challenges and everyone wants anyone but James to win. It's a close race at the end between Eric and James, but Eric ultimately wins, causing the girls to be annoyingly happy. While Jason is away, the girls look through Jason's stuff to find out if he found the idol (which he did) while James and Eric look on disapprovingly. Boys are sensible and girls are annoying. That's what I'm learning.

Jason thanks Natalie for "keeping her word", she tells him James is going, and Jason trusts her. God, he's stupid. Like really, legitimately stupid. The last thing we see before Tribal Council is James trying to convince Amanda to vote for Parvati because he doesn't think Jason's dumb enough not to play the idol. Oh James. Always giving people the benefit of the doubt.

At TC, we get to see Ozzie, in a snazzy striped tank top, mouth the word "bitch" when he finds out that Poverty was the one in his alliance who voted against me. He's all class, that Ozzy. Also at TC, Jason says that he thinks his social standing has changed. Natalie, in an attempt to make me not hate her, continues to lie unflinchingly. And Jason is voted out. James laughs. I love it all.

And finally, Jeff Probst sums up that after these back-to-back blindsides, anyone who still feels safe is a fool. Oh, and a medic has to look at James' finger. Noooooo!!!!

Next week--family member visit time!

American Idol: Don't cry for me Paula

If there’s one think I love more than American Idol, it’s when the American Idol kids sing musical theater. Andrew Lloyd Weber is one of the more poppy musical theater composers, so he's not as bad a fit for the show as other composers would be. Let's see how the gang did.







David A.:
I loved David’s arrangement of the song. He turned a rather shallow song from Phantom of the Opera into a pop ballad that was soulful and beautiful. I’ve been tough on little David in the past, but this week he showed a lot of creativity in terms of his arrangement, and the risk paid off.

Carly:
Carly was really the only singer to take advantage of Andrew Lloyd Weber’s rock influence as a composer. “Superstar” was not perfect, but it was definitely one of the best songs of the night. It was a nice high-energy number.


David C.:
David sang “Music of the Night” very well. Other than his little soulful ad-lib on the final “night,” it was a pretty straight-forward cover of the song, and sounded a bit easy listening. David has a beautiful voice, and sang it very well.










Syesha:
I’m glad Syesha took a break from ballads this week. Her energy works well for this style of music. That said, her pitch problems were there, and I kind of hated the song. Seriously, who likes Starlight Express?










Jason:
With the dreds, Jason kind of looks like an aged cat. I’m not sure why he chose to sing “Memory.” The low bridge was too low for him, and the high notes weren’t anything spectacular. It was just not very good.



Brooke:
After she made the band start over, I was too nervous to focus watching the performance. As for the other two minutes of the performance, it was very emotional, but not very good. It’s a boring song to begin with, and Brooke didn’t bring much to it.



I think that Brooke was probably the worst, and will probably go, but I'm hoping she stays and Jason goes. I really like Brooke, and Jason isn't going to win anyway so he might as well go. We'll see what happens though.

What do you think? Who's going to go? Why did David Cook call Andrew Lloyd Weber a lord? Should Syesha have sung her song on roller skates?

Big Brother: Auntie Sheila

Well, it's time for Sunday Big Brother again. Unfortunately for us all, the powers that be appear to have conspired to cheat us out of seeing the first half of the episode. Thank Team Christ and their leader, god, for the internet!

According to the announcer, we get to find out if friends become enemies now that there are only four of them left. How titillating.

We start with a flashback to Natalie signing her execution order by saying once again that her loyalties lie with the boys. And then we find out that apparently Adam mouthed to Natalie "I voted for you" (although I think he was trying to tell Natalie that he didn't vote for her to get her jury vote). Oh, we also got to see Sharon say "be careful". I still think that's a veiled threat.

Ryan then makes me love him a little bit by saying "Team Christ has passed away and will never be resurrected." Sharon makes me hate her more than ever, by yelling at us about surviving five times on the block. Shut up, Sharon. Also notable, Ryan read Adam's lips when he said "I voted for you", but Adam seems to have tricked Ryan into doubting himself. That's what happens when two really dumb people talk. The last thing said out loud becomes the truth.

We also get a flashback, as per usual, to the HOH competition. They seem to have edited out the unbelievable, egregious producer manipulation, and they show us Ryan's win as though it was on the level. Sharon, though, rather than being mad about that is excited about her secret alliance with Ryan. Sharon! Shut up about the secret alliance! He has a real, out in the open alliance, so don't you think that will come first? I swear, secret alliances are the new ho-mances. I don't know what that means.

Then we get to laugh at the houseguests as they discuss who in the house has the "preexisting relationship". The guinea pigs in the diary room say in guinea pig latin (that's what they speak... isn't that a cute thing I just came up with!?!) say "It's us, we're sisters". Then there's a lot of talk about whether Sheila and Ryan might be related but don't know it. Everyone seems to be convinced that Sheila is one-half of the preexisting relationship since she's "been around the block" according to Adam (I think).

Then we get to the real joy of this point in the Big Brother season, when there are only a few people left and they're really stretching to come up with interesting segments. Sharon and Sheila talk for a long time about which boy voted for which girl last week, as though it matters. And we come even closer to realizing the inevitable outcome of a Ryan/Adam final two. Oh well.

Then it's time to see Ryan's HOH room. It's basically Jen-central. There's a gross picture of them kissing and a note from Jen including phrases like "me love" (instead of "my love") and "hang in there baby" (like the cat poster). Oh, and the whole time there's a disgusting, barfy montage of Ryan and Jen. Sharon, of course, screams "that's CUTE!!!"

Adam takes a nap and then talks like a robot to freak out Sheila, which I must admit made me laugh a lot. Adam then agrees to be loyal to Sheila and to save her if she's up against Sharon. That's right before Adam and Ryan, eating rice crispy treats and drinking juice boxes like the man-children they are talk about how they felt horrible that they "voted the bitch [Natalie] out". Watch your language, young man!

In the luxury competition, which is based on the terrible-looking movie What Happens in Vegas, Sharon screams a lot. She also explains, as though she's giving a book report, that the backyard is like "Vegas on one side and New York on the other which makes sense for the movie." Ryan and Sharon proceed to win a screening of the movie and a trip to the premier in Vegas. This is exactly the kind of movie I'd want to be forced to see twice. Oh, and Adam and Sheila have to be handcuffed together for 24 hours, as the losers. Wonderful.

Before the movie screening, there's some hullabaloo (including some Sharon screaming) about how they made it to the mini, four-person table. Hooray!

During the screening (where the candy selection includes Good N Plenties, aka the grosses candy ever), we learn that Sharon must be the most irritating person ever to watch a movie with. But we already knew that.

And finally, we find out that Ryan is, indeed, putting the ladies up for eviction. And in one last hilarious confessional, Sheila complains yet again about having to be handcuffed to Adam, and the camera pulls back to reveal that Adam also in the diary room. He straps in to the handcuffs, and they have crazy S&M sex.

The end.

American Idol: Goodbye to a cowgirl

The highs of a good Tuesday Idol must always be met with the lows that come from a regular Wednesday elimination episode.

At least I liked the group song this week. I’m not sure when I first heard “One Sweet Day,” but it’s a song I really like, in that great pop-ballad way. It’s the kind of song you’d want to sing in the shower, or when you’ve had a lot of wine.

Elliot Yamin returned, with his new teeth, and sang a song. There was something kind of creepy about the post-song interview with Ryan Seacrest though. He was so smiley when talking about his dead mother. It makes him seem like a sociopath. I know he isn’t one, but I really expected him to be a little bit sadder.

Q&A time. Someone asked if Kristy Lee was able to buy back the horse she sold to get to auditions. DJ Dickmuttt wanted me to use this opportunity to address that issue. Kristy Lee is not some poor farm girl who sold her horse/best friend to be on the show. She’s already released an album, and had some success before American Idol. Don’t buy into the story that the Idol gang is telling us. It’s deceptive.

Megan asked Paula a question, and mentioned that she was the Megan from her show. Randy seemed to know what that meant, but Paula clearly had no idea who that was.

Mariah Carey sang, and showed off her five octave range.

For the eliminations, Ryan pulled his old seven-people-left trick by dividing the gang into two groups of three, and asking the nicest contestant to pick which group he or she belonged in. This year’s victim was David Arechuleta, Poor guy.

Brooke, Kristy, and Syesha were the bottom three. Krsity Lee was sent home, about 4 weeks too late.

It’s Andrew Lloyd Weber this Tuesday, so I’m alternating between being excited for a musical theater theme, dreading the episode, which probably won’t be very good. I’ll see you back here to talk about that in a few days.

Big Brother: Thrown Under the Bus Edition

I went into this episode of Big Brother with pretty mixed emotions, knowing that Natalie was almost certainly going to be backdoored while Rye-Bread and A-Baller take over the game. On the one hand, I'm getting annoyed and tired of Natalie and excited for Jesus to give her her comeuppance. But on the other hand, she's without a doubt the most entertaining person left in the house. Oh well.

The live episode of BB began with Julie Chen having a giant, fabric rose eating her shoulder. It must be Les Moonves' new control device. If I were him, I'd never let her out of my sight.

Sharon was confident, as usual. Natalie was confident, as usual. One of their self-confidences would be shattered by the end of the show.

Natalie decided to start campaigning in the most annoying way possible--by whining--and Ryan was skeptical about her. Adam acted like a baby and also started reading out loud from the bible a passage that he thought was relevant: "I will teach you to fear the Lord." Apparently, Adam thinks he's the Lord. Ryan gave a far more appropriate and mature assessment: "All my bitches having a catfight; it's gonna get nasty up in this piece!"

Ryan and Adam decided that they wanted to abuse their power and have a meeting to air the dirty laundry, causing Natalie and Sheila to freak out. Natalie refused to go to the meeting, because she started dying her hair. Ryan and Adam just kept yelling over and over, "We have a meeting--house meeting!" They finally realized Natalie wasn't budging, so they moved the meeting to the bathroom.

The meeting had lots of dramatic music, but I didn't think it was all that interesting. Basically, they confronted Natalie about playing both sides, and made her choose who she was loyal to. She chose Rye-Bread and A-Baller.

And then began the most overused phrase since "backdooring:"
Ryan: "You threw us under the bus."
Natalie: "I didn't throw you under the bus bus."
That's actually what she said--bus bus--it's not a typo.

Every member of the house, except maybe Sharon, thereby endearing herself to me, used the phrase "throw under the bus" about twelve times each this episode.

Finally, Adam adjourned the meeting, and Sheila got annoyed because she thinks they're ruining her plan, which they might be, but she keeps thinking she has some kind of leverage in this game, which she doesn't. Ryan and Adam are drunk with power, though.

Natalie started crying and kept insisting she was loyal to the boys. She confronted Sharon about "throwing [her] under the bus," and then told Sharon, "you said, 'Bros before hoes,'" which doesn't really make all that sense, and also isn't true.

Sheila confronted Adam and Ryan.
Adam: "I have a heart."
Sheila: "Do you have a spine?"
Ouch!

Then it was time to get back to live TV and have Julie chat with the houseguests. Julie asked Sharon and Sheila why they didn't speak up more at the Rye-Bread/A-Baller House Meeting, and Sharon says it's her usual "keep my mouth shut" strategy, while Sheila just talked about being hurt because she "felt like [she] was getting thrown under the bus."

Julie then asked no one in particular if, in the final two, they'd rather sit next to someone more deserving or easier to beat. No one answered for a while, which was awkward, until Baller announced he'd rather sit next to someone more deserving, and then everyone agreed in rapid succession, realizing that that sounds best.

Jury House! My favorite!

Chelsia was bored; Josh wished this were all just a nightmare; Matty kept to himself. Chelsia didn't want to see James enter the jury house. Then James entered the jury house. Everyone was either happy or sad or, more likely, both. James said that his eviction wasn't his fault, making an awkward accusation at Chelsia about ruining him by exiting on a sour note. Of course, she then ran away crying, while Josh and Matt were just stunned. James ran after her to tell her it was okay, and I have a sneaking suspicion he just did it for the makeup sex.

Then it was time for final speeches. Sharon gave the same speech she always gives, and Natalie thanked Big Brother (read: God), and apologized for her mistakes and asserted that her loyalty is with the boys. Then Ryan voted to evict Natalie, and Adam voted to evict Sharon, forcing a tiebreak. Sheila voted to evict Natalie, of Krauss, and Natalie started crying. There was lots of quiet talk and awkwardness, and Natalie left. Sheila was angry, but also said she's fine with it.

Chen Chat!

Natalie: "I don't know what happened. I'm shocked, my loyalty was to them. Playing both sides ruined my game. I'm upset."
Julie: "After James got out you played both sides."
Natalie: "I wanted to protect the boys."
Julie: "What do you say we listen to your goodbye messages?"
Natalie: "What is that?"
Julie: "What do you say we listen to your goodbye messages?"
Natalie: "Oh, okay."

HoH Competition!

This ones called "Fact or Fiction," even though only one answer ended up being "fact." Here are the lies BB made the houseguests try and figure out:

Allison received the fewest votes from America to be let back in--FICTION! Jacob received the fewest votes. Sharon looked pleased.

The toy in the Guinea Pig cage holds significance--FICTION! But everyone in the house thought it did.

Chelsia was escorted out of the Jury House by security--FICTION! But Ryan and Adam thought it was true! Crazy!

The number 8 has secret meaning in the BB House--FICTION! Adam thought it did, of course.

Amanda faked her fainting--FICTION! Even Adam didn't fall for that one.

A pre-existing relationship is still in the house--FACT! But Julie faltered with that answer, and then the BB producers put a subtitle up on the screen: "The Guinea Pigs." This answer gave Ryan and Sharon a tie, and I smell a conspiracy.

The tiebreak had Price is Right rules, unless they both go over, in which case the closest wins. Ryan asked for rule clarification, confusing Julie. Good for him! Then Julie was going to repeat the question, but then paused, and suddenly asked for an answer right away. Congratulations, Ryan, you're the new HoH!

Afterward, the eavesdropping BB cameras caught all the houseguests speculating on the other pre-existing relationship. BB really screwed Sharon over with that one, and I'm mad. Ryan insisted it's Sheila and Matty, but then Sheila insisted she knows who it is, and the other person is in the Jury House, but she won't say who it is! How hilarious!

And so concludes another live episode of Big Brother, and all we have left are our fond memories of Chatty Natty, the Bikini Barista from the Beaver State.